bass girl (superfly39) wrote,
bass girl
superfly39

running on empty

well, i havent posted in awhile, and i should be doing something more productive right now...but i feel like being a slug and doing nothing...but even slothfullness and rest doesnt seem to be doing me much good right now. last week i drove to tulsa and back six days out of seven for orchestra rehearsals...i feel so frusterated because i cant play the music very well, i dont have time to practice my solos, and the level of the tulsa orchestra isnt as high as i thought it would be. i feel like i dont have time for friends. the only person i ever see is rob....but then again, ive done it all to myself. carter and cathy walked by the apartment last night and i didnt even come out and talk to them. i feel so burnt out.
and then theres michael...i care about him alot, and am afraid of losing him. i feel like why would anyone like me; im not that much fun anymore, im always depressed, and overly sensitive...i dont even fix my hair or wear makeup, and i havent been to the gym in over a week. even though we're two hours away, we dont see each other very often. i feel like its hopeless; everything is hopeless. a relationship, a musical career, time for friendships and school, finances. i dont know what to do. my mom says to pray, and that she and my whole family will be praying for me. i wish i could be rescued. i want to save myself.

my mom thinks i need to get on antidepressants, which i dont want to do. but im getting to a point where anything would be better than this. the most ridiculous thing is that when i look at the facts: i have alot of friends, im smart, im talented, i can pay my bills, ive got a great boyfriend who cares about me...well, i have absolutely nothing to be sad about. which make sme feel even guiltier for being so glum and on the verge of tears half the time. maybe i just need to relax more. but if i relax, i feel guilty for not working hard, for not getting things done. i dont know what to do.

so you can see why i havent bothered posting much...its all just this same old low self-esteem depressed stuff.....and i dont know how or why i came to this. i dont even feel like myself anymore. this isnt me. the real me is happy, has a great smile, and likes to go hear bands play, and dance and drink beer and play music. i wish i knew whats wrong with me. i feel broken, but i dont know what it is, so i cant fix it.
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