and then theres michael...i care about him alot, and am afraid of losing him. i feel like why would anyone like me; im not that much fun anymore, im always depressed, and overly sensitive...i dont even fix my hair or wear makeup, and i havent been to the gym in over a week. even though we're two hours away, we dont see each other very often. i feel like its hopeless; everything is hopeless. a relationship, a musical career, time for friendships and school, finances. i dont know what to do. my mom says to pray, and that she and my whole family will be praying for me. i wish i could be rescued. i want to save myself.
my mom thinks i need to get on antidepressants, which i dont want to do. but im getting to a point where anything would be better than this. the most ridiculous thing is that when i look at the facts: i have alot of friends, im smart, im talented, i can pay my bills, ive got a great boyfriend who cares about me...well, i have absolutely nothing to be sad about. which make sme feel even guiltier for being so glum and on the verge of tears half the time. maybe i just need to relax more. but if i relax, i feel guilty for not working hard, for not getting things done. i dont know what to do.
so you can see why i havent bothered posting much...its all just this same old low self-esteem depressed stuff.....and i dont know how or why i came to this. i dont even feel like myself anymore. this isnt me. the real me is happy, has a great smile, and likes to go hear bands play, and dance and drink beer and play music. i wish i knew whats wrong with me. i feel broken, but i dont know what it is, so i cant fix it.