this hasnt been the most relaxing of spring breaks. i stressed out so much over midterms, and i worked on mon, tues and wed. i took off thurs and friday, but didnt manage to get as much accomplished as i wanted to. same as always. i need to get more sleep and play more music and do REAL relaxing more...often i just turn to beer or food or cigars to relax...which are all nice, but theyre just quick fixes instead of lifestyle changes, in a way. plus drinking beer and smoking arent exactly healthy....between the stress the lack of sleep and smoking, my skin is turning into a flaky, zit speckled mess! meh! not exactly a good thing seeing how low my self esteem is lately. i cried myself to sleep a few nights this last week, but im feeling better now. ive found theres a fountain of strength within me, and im tapping into it, and need to remember to tap into it every day, everytime i think im not good enough or beautiful enough or smart enough. or when i get stressed.
im moving out of the house. its definetly for the best; ive had too many bad things go down there, like getting my motorcycle stolen and stuff. and now that john and sprite are together, i just dont feel very comfortable sleeping in the room next to them. it just hurts too much, even though im not in love with john anymore. part of me feels like i dont have a right to hurt, and is upset that i still do. but then again, i think its understandable too. its almost like breaking up again....i guess breaking up with someone you were with for so long is a process, where you keep breaking through these walls of hurt. i keep letting myself hurt for no reason. but im pushing forward. i went dancing last night, which was awesome! it makes me happy, though it still takes me awhile to get into the groove of salsa. and i found out i dont like merengue so much...i need to work on my hippie-ness.
its funny how i can get so caught up in my wants that i forget what i actually need. i know someday ill fall in love again. and until then, i just need to play music, exercise, eat right, get plenty of sleep, and work on spirituality. *mental image of steve martin in the jerk flashes through head*
i got accepted to the japan american student conference, which means ou will pay for me to go to new york, washington dc, norman, and san fransisco for a week each while i hang out with japanese students and talk about world politics and pretend what we say actually matters. i dont know if i want to go or not...well, i want to go, but i really want to go to a music camp...as great an opportunity as the jasc is, its not what i want to do with my life. i dont know what ill do, but i have to give an answer by the first. i hate making decisions. i wonder how many decisions we make actually affect our lives and which decisions are insignificant. the only problem is that you never realize it until after the fact.