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Thursday, January 25th, 2007

Subject:it hasnt happened for the longest time
Time:12:45 pm.
Mood: content.
so even though i barely ever post anymore, i *do* read LJ pretty much everyday! and seeing how its been over a month since i posted, and amy wants to read about my date yesterday, i figure ill write.

my date yesterday: awesome!! it sounds pretty strange, but a few weeks ago this guy randomly messaged me on facebook. I guess he saw my picture, and recognized me from the gym, and it turns out he's friends with elise and a couple other people i know. so we started talking, mostly about movies, and he seemed pretty cool. last saturday we went to the momentum art show and had a blast! it was his birthday (hes a dragon - aquarius; a good compliment for my monkey-libra!!!) yesterday we met up again, and planned to go on a bike ride, but my tire was flat. so we went to the library and hung out with some friends, and then made spaghetti and talked...and kissed! i'm really excited about him...he's a whole lot nicer than michael ever was. rob is always quick to point out how he never liked michael, but then again, i guess a girl needs to date an asshole, so then she can tell the difference between the jerks and the nice guys. my new friend is definetly a nice guy. i'm happy!

i played an audition in dallas on tuesday and it went pretty medium. its always the first few minutes that im the most nervous, and suck the hardest. then i have this miraculous recovery. i would like to get into the camp, but oh well. i guess ill be applying to some other places, and getting some recording done with ben lindensmith soon.

how am i going to balance music and school with my new social life? I dont know; what i do know is that for the first time in quite awhile, ive met somebody that, well, is more important to me than bach,mozart, and my bass. maybe i just romanticize/dramatize the musicians life, but well, i was getting to a point where i wondered if i would ever meet anyone that could move me, affect me, more that beethoven. I feel...hopeful, when i was ready to give up hope. i was such a romantic ten years ago, and as ive grown up, i gave up...kinda....maybe im not ready to throw in the towel quite yet though.
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, December 6th, 2006

Subject:i should be practicing
Time:11:33 pm.
well, gee it feels like alot has been going on, but really, still all i do is play bass and drink beer and watch dvds....we just played an orchestra concert and im super tired...i havent been eating as often as i usually do, nor going to the gym, so that may have something to do with it. i switched into finals mode two weeks before finals, which means im living off caffeine and diet rock star drinks and black and milds and beer. sometimes rob makes me pizza and pie. mmm....

robs been burning off this really awesome show called dexter for us to watch. i recommend it and i dont even really like tv!

micheal and i stopped dating....i guess we were only seeing each other maybe once a month, so i dont even know if you could call what we had a real relationship. i was pretty upset at first...sometimes i just feel like a failure when it comes to guys, but i guess im learning and thats the important thing. besides, i totally have an intellectual crush on my history teacher! heehee....

i started taking antidepressants a couple months ago, and i think it really helps. i try not to think about it though. i still feel guilty or something for needing drugs to be normal. then again it beats crying everyday. at first it was kind of weird....i found myself trying to get depressed and i just couldnt do it. i still wonder how some people can be happy all the time though.

i want to have a christmas party at our apartment sometime.....or maybe new years....hmmm....
Comments: Read 9 orAdd Your Own.

Sunday, October 8th, 2006

Subject:running on empty
Time:2:23 pm.
well, i havent posted in awhile, and i should be doing something more productive right now...but i feel like being a slug and doing nothing...but even slothfullness and rest doesnt seem to be doing me much good right now. last week i drove to tulsa and back six days out of seven for orchestra rehearsals...i feel so frusterated because i cant play the music very well, i dont have time to practice my solos, and the level of the tulsa orchestra isnt as high as i thought it would be. i feel like i dont have time for friends. the only person i ever see is rob....but then again, ive done it all to myself. carter and cathy walked by the apartment last night and i didnt even come out and talk to them. i feel so burnt out.
and then theres michael...i care about him alot, and am afraid of losing him. i feel like why would anyone like me; im not that much fun anymore, im always depressed, and overly sensitive...i dont even fix my hair or wear makeup, and i havent been to the gym in over a week. even though we're two hours away, we dont see each other very often. i feel like its hopeless; everything is hopeless. a relationship, a musical career, time for friendships and school, finances. i dont know what to do. my mom says to pray, and that she and my whole family will be praying for me. i wish i could be rescued. i want to save myself.

my mom thinks i need to get on antidepressants, which i dont want to do. but im getting to a point where anything would be better than this. the most ridiculous thing is that when i look at the facts: i have alot of friends, im smart, im talented, i can pay my bills, ive got a great boyfriend who cares about me...well, i have absolutely nothing to be sad about. which make sme feel even guiltier for being so glum and on the verge of tears half the time. maybe i just need to relax more. but if i relax, i feel guilty for not working hard, for not getting things done. i dont know what to do.

so you can see why i havent bothered posting much...its all just this same old low self-esteem depressed stuff.....and i dont know how or why i came to this. i dont even feel like myself anymore. this isnt me. the real me is happy, has a great smile, and likes to go hear bands play, and dance and drink beer and play music. i wish i knew whats wrong with me. i feel broken, but i dont know what it is, so i cant fix it.
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, July 31st, 2006

Subject:all apologies...
Time:3:00 pm.
Mood: thoughtful.
You scored as Perky Goff. You are a perky goff! You like cute things, glitter, and scary carnivals. You think that the contrast between playful innocence and dark corruption is tantalizing, which is why you like to dress up like an evil dollie. Click on my name to take my other tests if you liked this one.

</td>

Perky Goff

88%

Anything-Goes Goth

83%

Ethereal Goth

71%

Death Rocker

58%

Old-school Goth

54%

Understanding Outsider

50%

Fantasy Goth

46%

Romantic Goth

46%

Cyber-goth

42%

Confused Outsider

29%

Industrial/Rivet-Head

21%

What subcategory of Goth best fits you?
created with QuizFarm.com


i havent written much lately, at least not in livejournal....that doesnt mean there hasnt been much going on though. sometimes i feel like all i do is play music and work....but i dont mind that too much. it was starting to wear on me last week, and i nearly broke from all the stress that i put on myself. i was thinking about it, and its really odd; most of the stress i feel is that that i put on myself, all of the guilt is self-made, and all the derision, put-downs, etc are all ONLY me. No one else i know would even dare call me fat, stupid, or tell me that im not a good musician or that i dont work hard enough. i dont know anyone who would even dream of saying that to me...except of course, me. this last week, ive been feeling alot of guilt and lack of self-confidence. ive decided its time to stop letting guilt run my life. its no way to live. i suppose ive always had a guilt streak in me, instilled by years of church...and i have a hunch japan helped contribute to the magnitude of guilt, seeing as how the whole society is pratically based on it.
but you know, im tired of feeling guilty for eating a donut, or sleeping in 15 minutes, or only practicing an hour or two, watching a dvd, or for getting an asian studies degree instead of a music degree at first....what ridiculous things to feel guilty about! just looking at what i typed, i cant believe how far i let this guilt driven lifestyle get. gosh.....
im a optimist and a hopeless romantic idealist...but i have to learn to accept that the world isnt perfect and neither am i or anyone else.
Comments: Read 4 orAdd Your Own.

Thursday, June 22nd, 2006

Subject:To blaze...
Time:2:39 pm.
Mood: content.
wow, its been awhile since ive updated. where to begin?

bass camp in stillwater was a great learning experience. I had a really difficult time in some ways, and was forced to confront alot of the issues i have with music, like feeling inadequate and hopeless about it. and feeling too old to be working on a second degree. i got through it, and played a couple solos pretty decently AND i got my new bass! Rumano is one amazing dude, and he better be good to me because i just gave him a whole heck of alot of money, and theres gonna be more on the way.

On the 11th, i headed down to denton for a weeklong class with the bass teacher down there, jeff bradetich. now, i had heard about jeff from my teachers, but...wow......just seeing him play and seeing him teach he blew me away! im so happy my new bass teacher, anthony, got his bachelors under jeff!!! woohoo! i learned soooo much, played a ton, and made alot of friends. i wasnt the best bassist there, but you know, i was ok with that. i worked hard and did my best, even though i still get uber nervous when i play bach. the most important thing i learned from jeff though wasnt about playing or technique though. just meeting him and working with him for a week made me realize that its more important to be a good human being than being a good bassplayer. (of course, i plan on being both, like jeff!!)

The best thing about bass camp though was that i met someone who is just absolutely amazing. (well, aside from jeff, who is amazing but you know, not in *that* way....for me) He's the bass repair guy from the university, and in the masters program in double bass there. he's like a tough guy whos a teddy bear on the inside. oh yeah, and he speaks japanese, italian and french!!! and hes from massachusetts. micheal is one of the best things thats happened to me in a while. its on par with me realizing that i had to be a musician; its that same feeling of conviction. i havent felt this way in a really long time; i forgot how great it could be. and even though i vowed never to date a bassplayer, and never to do the long distance thing again, i guess things change when you meet someone like this.....i'm happy. what a nice change.
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, June 6th, 2006

Subject:the killer b'z...
Time:2:43 pm.
Mood: pensive.
well, here i am, settling into my summer routine..kinda. i work from 8 to 12 painting walls at the union, and then 2 to 6 in the parking garage. its alot more difficult working full time than i thought it would be, but at least both of my jobs are relatively easy. the only problem is fitting in enough bass practice time. i want music to be the center of my life, but at the same time, i want a social life, and i have to exercise and work...

im a little bit dissapointed now, mostly in myself. i need to work on being less critical towards others as well as me. theres a saying in japanese "be hard on yourself and gentle to others"...its one of the few proverbs i really kinda like...i need to start with being kinder to others, and maybe some of it will rub off to myself as well....

i talked to john for the first time a few days ago, and just saw him at pita pit. its nice not being angry anymore....so why did seeing him make me feel a bit sad? even though we kinda took different directions in our life, im glad that theres still stuff i can relate to with him, like music and movies....and star trek!!! (yes its in its own category)

with eric, theres a different set of things i can relate to with him, and then theres things he just doesnt have a clue about...but im trying to not be too judgemental, and he's interested in learning...i think....at least when it comes to star trek and muppets.....he didnt seem too impressed with radiohead, but he likes what little beatles he's heard....i guess we'll just see what happens.

maybe i need to take my vitamins more often; maybe i need more sleep; maybe i need to stop having such great expectations and hopes. i just need to move on, mature up, whatever. and play music.

speaking of...thats another area that i need to build confidence in..i dont know, my confidence just comes, and then it quickly slips away again. i wish i had more practice time, but oh well. maybe ill get an ipod off ebay , so then i can at least listen to music while i paint. and even work is practice in a way. painting keeps reminding me of the karate kid, and i start thinking abotu zen and daoism, about how there are many paths but one way.

i want to be in a band with dorian, but i lost his number or something, and im going out of town for a week....maybe i should call him just to touch base...

im bummed out about this latin music band im in post-ron y ritmo. its eric, me, this totally awesome drummer, and this older dude that just came from columbia, jose. jose is a really amazing salsa pianist, but he plays everything by ear, doesnt read music, and cant even tell me how many bars of one chord there are, or where the chord changes are, read music, etc. its pretty difficult for me to deal with, especially since im not terribly strong when it comes to the rhythms...oh and he only speaks spanish. im the only one in the band that doesnt speak it, which really sucks. BUT i am really stoked about this other latin jazz band the konga player from ron y ritmo asked me to be in. its going to be the ron y ritmo drummer, the konga player on vibes, plus eric on sax, and a trombone player. AND i get to play upright, AND the konga/vibes guy wants to build up to more experimental stuff, using effects pedals on various instruments and making standard tunes unique to us. i never imagined i would be into playing covers, but when it comes to jazz, im just as happy to play standards....it would be really cool to write my own jazz tune someday though! oooh, and i still want to make a jazz super mario bros medly....and i got an idea to make a jazz version of Istanbul the other day.....mmmm...

on ideas.....i got a WICKED cool idea for a photo project yesterday! i want to take pictures of people wearing converses! but i just want to take pictures of the feet/converses....i think it would be neat to make a collage thing out of the photos, and you could see all these people that wear the same brand of shoe, but also, what the shoe says about the person wearing it....i might take background into consideration too, but probably not...just whereever i see a chuck taylor wearing person, ill stop them and ask if i can take a picture of their feet!! already, i know i MUST get a picture of chris and chase wearing their hi-tops before its too late! sooooo ANYONE who has chucks should let me take a picture of their feet in them! i promise its not a fetish thing.....really......

tomorrow i leave for a bass camp in stillwater, then on sunday im going to denton for a bass camp there!im really excited and really nervous. like i said, i dont feel like ive had enough practice time despite it being summer...BUT TOMORROW IM BUYING MY VERY OWN BASS...maybe. im going to test it out for a couple weeks before i make a final decision, but imagine ill get it...which is why im trying to work so much this summer. im really excited about it, but worried too. it means no more monetary safety net. in fact i had given up on the bass, and planned to just buy a new guitar and amp (BTW if anyone hears of a bass amp for sale, let me know!!! please!), start a roth ira account, save some $, AND go on a trip somewhere...but alas, the bass will take all my savings, and them some....meh.....but ive definetly decided against selling my motorcycle (i cant imagine anyone buying it anyways) and NO to egg harvesting (YUCK!!) im considering going back to plasma donating, but its hard to find time when you work 8 hours a day....ill come up with something...somehow...i hope.

i finished the graphic novel maus yesterday; now i really want to read the latest promethea, and Y.....at least comics are the last bastion of summer i have left. now if only i could get my hands on that new super mario bros for gameboy....
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, May 17th, 2006

Time:3:12 pm.
Mood: artistic.
so, life is pretty slow with no school.....yeah right.

i got food poisoning friday from taco hell, and its just about the worst thing thats happened to me in awhile...aside from my ipod getting trampled on and broken, that is. it was like a four day hangover, only i didnt get to have any fun to compensate for four days of suffering. bleh.

i did play out at the tribal revival, which was pretty, hmm, interesting. i saw brendan and jackie there and talked to them some. john and sprite probably walked by me about a zillion times, and never said a word. oh, and with my bad luck, i wound up parking next to matt the frat guy, so when i was hanging out in my car drinking gatorade and feeling like hell, he was standing three feet away drinking beer and eating sandwiches with his buddies. sheesh. still, i had fun! nooch is a really awesome drummer as well as a really awesome guy. i hope i can jam with him again someday.

i've once again been inspired by carter; this time, im declaring war on the bass world. to kick it off, im determined to train four hours a day....and im going to memphis on the 28th to check out double basses!! graceland *and* bass.....im not sure how much better it gets! oh wait it does.....because.....

RON Y RITMO is playing at Kongos this friday.....ive never been to kongos, but its bound to be...interesting, if nothing else. oh yeah, and im playing bass there too...

other than that im mostly just working, and trying to write scholarship essays before the may 31st deadline in an effort to pay for my soon to be gigantic debt to rumano selano, the bass luthier....im thinking about a second job.....meh...
oh and i still havent unpacked or cleaned my room and bathroom or anything. ug. i read a quote from bill gates today that made me feel better. he was asked about being the richest man in the world, and he replied "i wish i wasnt. nothing good comes from it."
i thought that was pretty interesting. it made me imagine gates doing a kind of prince and pauper thing, where he disguises himself and goes and sees what his microserfs are saying about him, and stuff. maybe thatll be a short story for the summer....
Comments: Read 7 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, May 9th, 2006

Time:7:14 pm.
Mood: depressed.
i dont know why, but ive been feeling down lately. im just dissapointed in myself i guess. its funny; i get depressed and upset with myself because i let myself get depressed. how's that for messed up? i dont know why it happens; about 90 percent of my life is awesome and great, so why do i focus on the 10 percent thats not quite perfect?

i'm bummed out because i didnt play as well at my jury as i wanted to; i just got nervous. its odd how i dont get so nervous playing bass guitar but when it comes to upright, my heart starts racing and my hands start shaking. is it because im more comfortable with guitar? or is it the music itself? maybe its just me.

im worried about money too. i think im going to look for a second job this summer in addition to the parking garage, though since im going to be away for like 10 days in june, im not sure if anyone will want to hire me. the bass i've been wanting to buy since october is finally finished and it turns out the luthier wants about 2500 more than what i thought it was going to be. i feel stupid and foolish for not saving more in japan. i just didnt know...and of course theres the new apartment. i love it, its great, but there is a price for not living with five other people under the same roof, and its about $100. i thought about doing the egg donor program (hey its not like im using my eggs or anything....yuck!) but the whole hormone treatment thing sounds pretty unsavory...i guess ill go back to plasma donating this summer too.

rob's been upset with me too, because i made a "bleh" noise when a friend of his told him to give me a congratulatory kiss on the cheek for her. i didnt mean to hurt his feelings; i was just being funny i thought, but i didnt think enough, or i wouldve realized how personally he would take it.

i played my first show with ron y ritmo on friday, and had a blast even though i messed up all over the place. but now i feel awkward because my guitar teacher, larry hammett, and the conga player had an argument, and i felt kind of in the middle of it, since im replacing larry in the band.

rob and i drove out to the country yesterday to see if my microwave was still in the trailer, but the trailer is gone! just as well, i think because i didnt really want to go in it and stuff, but still, just going out there was really painful and difficult for me, especially since i was already down about school and stuff. even if lucy would love to have me over and talk, and even if the girls wanted to play and hang out, i couldnt do it, because i would be too sad about it. im sad that ill probably never see elisa and cayla again, and i wont see them grow up into young women, or eat lucy food, or expereince that zen-like comfort of her home. i know it was my choice to give it up, and i feel guilty that im even sad about it. ive got a great boyfriend who i really like, but im still a bit scared of his mom, and i dont know why. well i do; its because she's not lucy. i feel bad because even though im in a relationship with someone i truly care about, and who's awesome, and on the same path/mindset as me, there are still times when im really hurting about john still, and how he still affects me....and how it seems i pretty much havent left much of a mark on him. why is he able to move on so much quicker than me? i cant figure it out.

i thought moving out of the house would make it easier for me to be friends with people again, but it doesnt look like thats going to be the magic fix for everything. i kinda got the impression most of the people there and at the belafonte arent really interested in being friends anyway. amar seems like he's been upset with me since he told me thom was moving in, chris is pretty much always with susan (which is understandable), and of course sprite avoids me like the plague, which is probably jsut as well. thom and mel i feel cool with, and i love carter and cathy, but dont see them so much because we're all so busy, and i pretty much avoid going to all the dinner parties because of sprite and john, and im not sure how welcome i would be there anyway. i dont smoke pot anymore; im not vegan; i want to be a classical/jazz musician; i want to get out of norman and do something beautiful and musical with my life; i love going to school, and i love bach and beethoven. maybe theyre the only two dudes ill ever love, because im too insecure to love somebody who's actually alive anymore.

i wonder if giving up beer and dairy would help me feel less down right now? certainly beer is a depressant, and certainly, i drink too much of it. i'll cut the dairy first, and see what happens...

im wondering if i should even post this; but im not going to make any apologies for the way i feel or what i think. maybe thats the first step towards being truly secure in myself and who i am, instead of just wearing a bubbly outgoing brooke mask over my melancholy nature. ok, ok, thats enough emo-goth talk for today...sheesh, i hate it when this happens to me.
Comments: Read 6 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, May 1st, 2006

Subject:life, lurv, and death
Time:6:31 pm.
Mood: ecstatic.
ack, i feel like i have hamburger meat for fingers right now and i dont know why...oh wait, yeah i do...its because ive been rocking out so much!!! heehee...i guess my nerve ending are finally starting to rebel, bleh. i was just reading natalies post, and it made me realize: i AM exactly where i want to be right now! how lucky is that??!!! sometimes, i get myself down, about spending time going to japan and studying asian stuff instead of playing music...but you know, if i hadnt dont that, i wouldve second guessed myself the rest of my life, and i wouldve gotten burnt out on it, and i wouldnt get to have a flippin awesome bass teacher here at OU (not that john and mark arent awesome...but anthony, the new prof, man....he's just out of this world!) im playing jazz, im playing rock, im playing classical, and everything in between! I may not be great yet, but i am getting there, and you know, the path to being great is pretty great too!

ever since i talked to carter a couple of weeks ago, ive been really inspired to dig into wells of self confidence that are just waiting to be tapped. sometimes i hit a rock, but i think im getting there. i think confidence is a good thing; it only becomes a problem when you believe theres nothing left to learn, and that youre better than everyone else. lucky for me, im a life-long student!! so i figure, at my ripe old age, i might as well start believing in myself, because i cant even fathom existing in a world where there is nothing left to learn.

that being said, i have to admit im totally looking forward to summmmmmmerrrr! well, ill still be playing and learning alot over the next few months anyway...but at least i wont have to think about quizes and homework! though im probably getting a little bit ahead of myself. i wish i could fast forward through this un-dead week, and finals! oh yeah, and sometime in between i gotta move and exericise and play bach and MY FIRST Ron Y Ritmo show!!!! its kinda neat playing salsa jazz music, because i started out dancing to it, and now im learning how to play the rhythms oh bass instead being a twinkle toes!
Comments: Read 7 orAdd Your Own.

Friday, April 21st, 2006

Subject:big surprise...NOT!
Time:3:35 pm.
Mood: happy.
You scored as New Democrat. New Democrats emphasize fiscal conservatism, and have a strong preference for the free market. They believe in small-scale programs that provide targetted help to those in need, while working with the business community.

</td>

New Democrat

90%

Old School Democrat

90%

Green

75%

Libertarian

60%

Foreign Policy Hawk

30%

Pro Business Republican

30%

Socially Conservative Republican

15%

What's Your Political Philosophy?
created with QuizFarm.com
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, April 18th, 2006

Subject:i cant tell...
Time:8:26 pm.
Mood: melancholy.
am i an ipod or an 8-track.....

this is the question ive been struggling with today. i want to believe im an ipod with all my heart...but deep down, can i really believe that?

i have such a difficult time with trust, too. i want to trust in god, friends, teachers....but i dont even trust in myself or my abilties most of the time. if i dont trust myself, how can i learn to trust anyone? i can learn a ton of stuff in school, and love it. but if i dont learn how to trust myself and believe in myself, its not going to amount to very much. maybe its an ongoing process. like, how i've finally really started coming to terms with my body, and being happy with it and what it can do....and that took a heck of a long time, a good two years of soul searching and stuff.....

can i learn to trust anyone anymore? when i think about it, rob is the only person i know that i can really trust; probably more so than my mom, and definetly more than my dad. even then, im always afraid somethings going to happen, because i fuck things up so much. i want to learn how to trust myself and others; how to believe in my abilty to change the world into a better place, and believe the best in others. i want to figure out how to love others and myself just the ways we are. i just dont know where or how to start.
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Friday, April 14th, 2006

Subject:deep and wide
Time:8:20 pm.
Mood: mellow.
i love spring...aside from all this school stuff caving in on me, of course...

spring reminds me of everything starting new....often times i forget how lucky i am, i let myself get bogged down in stress and depression and dissappointment. but today, for the first time in awhile, i feel....new....and am amazed by all the chances i've been given to start over. i've made so many mistakes in my life, and im bound to make about a million more....but i'm working on making fewer. on moving forward in life....i cant hardly believe stuff sometimes...both the good and the bad....
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, April 3rd, 2006

Time:11:48 pm.
Mood: sleepy.
this is a cool article about anime i read in the newspaper today. i reccommend it. if youre into reading newspaper articles, and manga and that kinda thing.

http://www.iht.com/articles/2006/04/03/business/anime.php

i shouldnt be awake right now...but oh well, this whole spring forward an hour thing has me messed up. oh yeah, and i drank four sodas today...bleh! maybe ill take some benedryl to fall asleep....

the fair really wore me out, with all that eating and walking and sun burning...mmmm.....
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, March 29th, 2006

Subject:i am magic
Time:6:41 pm.
Mood: optimistic.
i was reading an article today in IHT about kids going to a magician school in south africa as a way out of shantytown life..it was pretty neat; one of the quotes talked about how magic was all about making the impossible seem possible. I really liked that; alot of my life has come to be about doing the impossible. For example, one look at my hands would tell you i shouldnt be able to play double bass, let alone play it well...but im working on it, and getting better everyday. Japanese is a language pretty different from english, and i shouldnt have been able to speak it, or live in japan...but i did. I shouldnt be able to start all over again, in college and in life...but i am! so maybe life, for me, is all about making the impossible possible. i think thats a pretty good view for me.

we've been playing a TON of orchestra rehearsals, since we're playing another concert this week. the orchestra is going to kinda suck, but the music itself is pretty cool. we're playing a marimba concerto by paul creston that totally rocks, along with this funky clarinet concerto by corigliano, and a ton of other concerto thingies.

rob and i went and looked at apartments today. i think ill moving out soon, like this weekend if possible, it mostly depends on rob...i can hardly wait, really. its hard to sleep with so many people in a house, with different time schedules, and when i can hear most everything in the kitchen and the room next door it just really kinda sucks. though i have taken to falling asleep to my honey bela flecks sweet banjo strums at night to drown out the noise. so i guess theres a silver lining to every cloud after all.

i love this weather; im looking forward to tornado season, though i hope its not too rainy this weekend. ive got a date with a funnel cake! and maybe a cute knight too....
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Friday, March 24th, 2006

Subject:mozart is my homeboy
Time:6:49 pm.
Mood: accomplished.
yes, i DO rock!

i just wrote my music scholarship essay, did my fafsa, AND updated my facebook all while working for da man at the parking garage. our orchestra concert tonight is going to be pretty cool, too, and once i get some diet rock star in me, ill be ready to salsa the night away with some friends at pepe's!! this weekend is going to be packed with music and beer and hopefully a bit of studying and exercising. tomorrow im going to a yoga for musicians class, im playing a pops concert, jamming with brandons friend steven, and going to some parties! sunday, i get to jam some more, and am planning on writing my music history paper. sometime over all this, i need to practice singing, piano, and drums. hmm....oh yeah, and rob and i are going to go check out apartments on monday. we pretty much know where we want to live (some of his friends live there) and it seems like there should be a place open there. its going to rock! we'll each have our own bathroom, walkin closets and high ceilings....i can hardly wait. i hope to move out in early april, maybe next weekend if im lucky...but since when am i lucky......heh....
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Saturday, March 18th, 2006

Subject:superheroes of the soul
Time:12:38 pm.
Mood: stressed.
im listening to a really awesome this american life about superheroes and superpowers...i wonder if my perfectionism and a kind of idealization of the mythic hero are tied together...probably...

this hasnt been the most relaxing of spring breaks. i stressed out so much over midterms, and i worked on mon, tues and wed. i took off thurs and friday, but didnt manage to get as much accomplished as i wanted to. same as always. i need to get more sleep and play more music and do REAL relaxing more...often i just turn to beer or food or cigars to relax...which are all nice, but theyre just quick fixes instead of lifestyle changes, in a way. plus drinking beer and smoking arent exactly healthy....between the stress the lack of sleep and smoking, my skin is turning into a flaky, zit speckled mess! meh! not exactly a good thing seeing how low my self esteem is lately. i cried myself to sleep a few nights this last week, but im feeling better now. ive found theres a fountain of strength within me, and im tapping into it, and need to remember to tap into it every day, everytime i think im not good enough or beautiful enough or smart enough. or when i get stressed.

im moving out of the house. its definetly for the best; ive had too many bad things go down there, like getting my motorcycle stolen and stuff. and now that john and sprite are together, i just dont feel very comfortable sleeping in the room next to them. it just hurts too much, even though im not in love with john anymore. part of me feels like i dont have a right to hurt, and is upset that i still do. but then again, i think its understandable too. its almost like breaking up again....i guess breaking up with someone you were with for so long is a process, where you keep breaking through these walls of hurt. i keep letting myself hurt for no reason. but im pushing forward. i went dancing last night, which was awesome! it makes me happy, though it still takes me awhile to get into the groove of salsa. and i found out i dont like merengue so much...i need to work on my hippie-ness.

its funny how i can get so caught up in my wants that i forget what i actually need. i know someday ill fall in love again. and until then, i just need to play music, exercise, eat right, get plenty of sleep, and work on spirituality. *mental image of steve martin in the jerk flashes through head*

hah

i got accepted to the japan american student conference, which means ou will pay for me to go to new york, washington dc, norman, and san fransisco for a week each while i hang out with japanese students and talk about world politics and pretend what we say actually matters. i dont know if i want to go or not...well, i want to go, but i really want to go to a music camp...as great an opportunity as the jasc is, its not what i want to do with my life. i dont know what ill do, but i have to give an answer by the first. i hate making decisions. i wonder how many decisions we make actually affect our lives and which decisions are insignificant. the only problem is that you never realize it until after the fact.
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Saturday, March 11th, 2006

Subject:the prince of stories walks right by me
Time:11:21 am.
Mood: happy.
finally, the fucking WEEK O' HELL is over!!!!!!

i cant believe how hard my midterms were; oh yeah, and i'm flunking aural skills...and no, this isnt a brooke freak-out thing, like im making a B flunking.....im actually flunking...if i do all my homework and do well on my last two dictation quizes i can pass "with a solid C," as Dr. Reichardt put it. so, with all this taken into consideration, i have decided my spring break goal is to be a huge nerd, and just work and study and exercise. oh yeah, and clean the house and my room because its getting to the uncomfortably messy stage.

ive been doing alot of thinking lately about stuff....my mom came up this week for a little bit, and boy was she critical of me, though not intentionally i think. i guess i get my perfectionism from her...its funny how i dont realize how much ive changed until something happens, and its just like....wow.....ive changed and so has everyone else....which is a good thing. i certainly know who i am and what i want out of life and relationships alot better than i did five years ago. im not really sad about things; im more like...well, dissappointed life didnt turn out the way i thought it would.....but really, its a good thing. if life always turned out the way we expected, how boring and unexciting would that be?!

i need to detox
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Tuesday, March 7th, 2006

Subject:song for the string bass
Time:11:39 pm.
Mood: melancholy.
The only love
ever true
never betray
though i betrayed you.
I turned away
and thought you wrong
but always in my heart
there was a song
and now im back
a pennance paid
prodigal child renewed
if i survive
the only thing ive ever loved
and probably ever will
because the masters of the soul
are so plentiful
Bach Beethoven Mozart Strauss
a passion to fill a thousand lifetimes
and im stuck a paltry one.
i hug you in my arms
more comfort than fleshy mate
ever could be
i hold you
and you lean on me
masculine and feminine in
a glorious one
curved and deep
tall hips grace
elegant silhouette
i would die for you
now watch my fingers bleed.
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Friday, March 3rd, 2006

Time:4:08 pm.
Mood: happy.
well, its finally friday and im alive! i think ive gotten less sleep this week than usual, but thanks to good ole diet rock stars and a fair amount of chocolate, im still concious and ready to have some fun and some studying this weekend. the last clinical mops show is at pepes tonight and its going to ROCK!

i joined the sooner ballroom dance club on tuesday too! its wonderful! theres something about dancing that makes me feel happy and beautiful. i love it.

i also love bach and mozart, and wish all i had to do was play bass all day.

i just read this awesome article : http://www.iht.com/articles/2006/02/26/america/web.0226talib.full.php

check it out if you want to learn something! man, theres so much to learn and do, and so little time to do it in!

i sometimes wonder if romance and adventure is all around me and i just have to open my eyes to it. i think ill read don quixote over spring break.
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Monday, February 20th, 2006

Subject:jack frost bites back
Time:7:36 pm.
Mood: sleepy.
WELL...here i am at work, sitting next to an open window...and theres still snow on the ground!! wow! i dont mind cold weather so much when we get to have snow. it kinda makes me feel like im in new york city ...though i think ive fell on my ass about ten times now...the majority of my wipe-outs were at the duck pond on saturday when marilina and i had a TOTAL blast sledding! though i almost fell in....scary!!!

yesterday we made some pretty cool shrinky dinks, too, and hung out with judy. mostly i just took time off from all my responsiblities yesterday and saturday and just played music and hung out with michi. it was great! i needed some time, well, not off, because even when im relaxing, im always doing something, but still, you get the idea.

friday night at subatomic pieces and ghost was pretty cool; i went back on saturday to see ron y ritmo and get my salsa on, but they had cancelled! meh! so me and this friend i made from guitar class, jorge, saw a band at new york pizza *for free* that turned out to be pretty cool, especially the bassplayer! they were called glowbead, and i pretty much expected them to be a jam band, but they turned out to be way more than that! AND they had a marimba player! not too shabby!

im totally exhausted right now though, and ive got quintette practice at nine...ugh! last week just wore me out, emotionally, physically and mentally. i think i got most of the pieces picked up. im filled with a new determination to learn, love, and be patient with myself and with others. i was really pretty down wednesday and thursday last week, mostly because of silly ole v-day, and i flunked a couple of homework assignments and quizes in music theory. im still stressed out about that class, but i talked to the teacher, whos really pretty cool, and i think as long as i start working my ass off, im going to be ok. unfortunately, im going to either have to cut down on my bass time, or my exercise time in order to get enough studying in...of course, i need to lay off the internet/facebook stuff too...speaking of...

here's some pics from the pink and black ball!
http://ou.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2024920&l=be5f1&id=9624186

(ok so i couldnt figure how to do the link thing..ah well...)
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